Domestic
Violence Awareness Month is officially over for this year, however I will
strive to continually bring this issue to the forefront, because until it is a thing of
the past, it needs to be a constant conversation.
After reports of NFL players
involved in domestic violence incidents, attention turned to the women in these
abusive relationships and questions were then posed, “why do they stay”? Social media played a big role during these
times with Facebook postings as well as Twitter dialogue #whyIstayed. #WhyIStayed was a great platform for survivors
to share about the decisions they made, knowing that they were not alone. These decisions may be judged as nonsensical
to some, but for those who were affected by abuse and involved in the
conversation they felt differently.
So, why are we asking women
why they stay instead of asking men why they abuse? The “why” question comes up when speaking
about different types of relationships, whether the male is the abuser or the
female. The best way to have this
discussion is to frame it within the parameters of the dynamics of domestic
violence and realize it is all about power and control.
One reason is because of finances. If the abuser is the sole breadwinner, then
where would the finances come from to get out of the relationship and make a
fresh start? Where are the skills going
to come from if the victim was required to stay at home and not go to school or
work? What if they were never able to
look at or balance the checkbook or check the accounts, how would the victim
know about the daily routine of running a household and maintaining stability?
Another reason women stay
could be because the welfare of the children comes into play when deciding whether
to leave or not. How would the mother
provide for them? Where are the diapers
and food going to come from? Daycare may
become an issue or transportation to and from school or appointments. Women may decide that a stable financial home
life is worth the risk even if the home is volatile, but provides for the
children. However, on the other hand, is
the abuser using the children to keep the woman under their thumb? Do they talk bad about the mother to the
children and try to turn them against her?
Do they punish the children harshly or blame the mother for the
punishment? Do they abuse the mother and
the children?
Also, the abuser may threaten the victim and
intimidate them so much so that it creates such fear in them that they can’t
move forward in any way to help themselves.
Some abusers have threatened to kill the victim and then
themselves. Some have said, “if you
leave I will kill you”. Some have used
threats to harm children, pets and family members if the victim tried to leave. These threats can be a very strong
deterrent.
Interestingly, another constant conversation I hear is about “if we
love him enough it will stop”. The hope
that our inward and outward actions will somehow deter the abuser’s actions is
something to be considered. This puts
the responsibility on the victim to cease the abuse instead of the responsibility
being on the abuser. Again, the victim
is taking the focus off of the one who is guilty of the abuse and owning it
herself. I always say, that we have to
own our own stuff. If we don’t put the
mirror up to our own face and determine what role we play in life, then we are
kidding ourselves into thinking it’s everyone else but us. This is not to say that the victim is to
blame in any of this, she is just hoping beyond hope that she can fix it. In the end, it is up to the abuser to fix
it.
All of this needs to be
taken into consideration, but it can certainly be much too overwhelming.
This discussion is just the tip of the iceberg, so
look for more conversation about why she stayed, or why she left. Why do you think she stayed?
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